Retro Commercial Article

I do freelance work through a variety of websites and am paid on a per article basis from a variety of sources.  It has helped keep my writing diverse, and my research skills fresh.  The following is an example of a blog article I wrote for a retro television and commercial channel.  The client asked for something different, something that would help put a new spin on a familiar commercial or television personality.  With that as my prompt, I wrote the following article for the website.  They purchased the article, and gave me a 5 star rating on the freelance site that I was hired through.  So what did I write about?  A certain be-chinned comedian and his meteoric rise from chip munching man to late night talk show host king.

(The article appeared as follows:)

Back in the 1950's, if someone had told you that Orson Wells would be hocking fish sticks in the twilight of his career, you likely would have laughed in their face for such a preposterous notion.  Similarly, if someone had told you in the 1980's that the be-chinned comedian trying to sell flavored tortilla chips would become one of the most famous people in late night television entertainment, you might have also laughed in their face too.  Yet here we are two decades later and Jay Leno has had an incredible TV career as a late night talk show host.  In a way, it's inspirational.
Fingertips dusted with cheese powder is hardly the first thing that comes to mind when people think of the now retired Tonight Show host, Jay Leno. Yet once upon a time between getting Johnny Carson's job and touring the country doing stand-up gigs, this TV icon was known to millions of Americans as the funny guy on shilling Doritos.  Throughout the late 80's and and early 90's the now-famous host starred in a series of TV commercials that put our minds to ease when it came to scarfing down a bag of chips because after all, "Crunch all you want, we'll (Doritos) make more."  Sometimes silly, often times corny, seeing a young Jay Leno talk up Doritos is something to behold.  If you have a few minutes, go to Youtube and find some of those old Doritos TV commercials.  Aside from the incredible gales of laughter you'll have from seeing an ad campaign that prominently displays a society awkwardly transitioning from the boppy 80's to the grunge 90's; you might also find inspiration for the type of journey that Jay Leno has had.   
Sure, we could get into a debate about how he came to succeed the legendary Johnny Carson, whether he or Conan O'Brian should have been the host of the tonight show, or just what was his involvement in who succeeded him as the tonight show host and so-forth.  Whatever your opinion is about him, there's something motivating about seeing such a famous person doing what amounts to the entertainment industry's version of grunt work.  It's like finding out the milkman went on to become a famous children's author (Brian Jacques), or the street mime who would become a beloved movie star (Robin Williams), or the nerdy kid in a classic "Don't squeeze the Charmin" commercial went on to become the poster boy for a famous TV show (Adam Savage).  

Sure, not every fast food worker goes on to fame and fortune, and not every commercial actor becomes the next big name television icon; but knowing that some stars had similar humble and hard beginnings as the rest of us can provide just the right motivational push we need to keep going to succeed. 

Game Review Example (ZaciSa's Last Stand)

I am currently building up a bank of essays, game reviews, and retrospective for a blog called "Downloadable Context."  The following example is one such review that I have written.  Once I have a cache of roughly a dozen posts that I can schedule, I will be taking the blog live.  In the mean time, here is a sample of my style of game review:

Relentless enemy attacks and only you and your dogged persistence and cunning to prolong certain doom?  Count me in fellow Missile Commanders, I am up for the game! I’m a longtime fan of the tower defense genre so when I saw that the price had dropped on ZaciSa’s Last Stand for the Wii U, I decided it was time to give it a whirl.

In ZaciSa’s Last Stand you defend your base or bases, through the use of various drones, from an unending onslaught of spaceships bent on death-ramming your base to kingdom come. You can choose from several difficulty modes, and the chalkboard look of the ships and space provide an interesting and unique visual style to the game.  Those things said…man, I tried so hard to like this game, I really did.  I tried numerous times as a matter of fact.  Each time I hoped it would get better.  That somehow, some way this would be the magic time when things clicked for me.  However, I would pick the game up after about a week, play for ten minutes before getting disappointed with it all over again.  Why did it get frustrating so quickly?

The ridiculous, almost obnoxious way ZaciSa's ramps up the difficulty on you early into the gameplay experience creates an enormous stumbling block right out of the gate.  As you would expect with any tower defense worth its missiles, the number and strength of enemies increases as you progress.  You earn money for every enemy you defeat, and you use the money you get to buy various power ups for your base or various drones to defend it.  However, the difficulty acceleration in ZaciSa’s goes beyond what might considered a reasonable difficulty increase.  A good tower defense game builds on challenges, each wave a little more difficult than the rest while introducing you to new enemies that require new strategies and weapons to handle them.  However, the way in which ZaciSa’s ramps up the difficulty so suddenly, it feels less like a tower defense game and more like you’re playing a trial and error game.  If you’re lucky, you’ll stumble on the right combination of drones and power-ups.  If you don’t, you’re toast.   Personally, every time I tried to play the game, I found even my most heavily powered up drone woefully inadequate when this sudden difficulty bump took place.  On the upside, the game makes clever use of the game pad which is both nice to see and adds something to the gameplay.

Something unique to several Wii U games is the need for the player to constantly switch their attention from the action on the TV screen to a menu screen on the game pad.  With a well done game like the conversion of Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD or the real time strategy game Swords and Shields, there is virtually no hiccup in gameplay and the action feels natural.  ZaciSa’s has its players look at the gamepad menu screen in order to upgrade the various drones used in base defense.  You can be strategic in a number of different ways from switching out types of drones to powering up some drones and not others.  The menu also offers three game speed settings in an attempt to balance the game-play and give players an ease of transition between the two screens while playing the game.  As I said, it's nice to see that some developers are embracing the game pad technology.  However, because of the sudden increase in difficulty, you don't have a chance to get comfortable looking between the television screen where the action takes place, and the Wii U pad where you select how best to use the money you've earned beating enemies.  Worse yet, the difficulty jump would always seem to happen when I was looking at the Wii U pad navigating the power-up screens, so the opportunity to delivery a more natural experience was lost--at least on me.  Now, it should be noted that you can control the speed at which the game happens, but this is also a determent rather than the feature it should be.

For example, if you select the “0x” option to bring the game to a standstill so you can upgrade without worry of enemy attack, you have no idea if your powering up wisely.  If you go for the “1x” speed, you get a little bit better feel for what is working and what is not, but the game moves painfully slow.  If you try your hand at the highest “3x” speed you can at least feel like the game is moving along, but then you will find your eyes darting back and forth between screen and gamepad in a mad dash to keep up and keep ahead of the multi-colored triangles that kamikaze their way through your defenses.

Speaking of multi-colored triangles, a brief word on the game's visuals.  Admittedly, the animated chalkboard look was a selling point to me.  I think it is a fun and clever twist on the usual highly detailed and specific looking enemies you can get out of a tower defense game.  I don't think you need to always have crisp, super shiny bosses in order for the game to be interesting and fun to play.  The problem once again though is that the hope when you are going for simpler graphics that the gameplay and control will draw you in, but it doesn't.

Concerning the music, it has an appropriate sound comprised of techno beats and okay rhythms that cycle after a few minutes.  It’s pleasant enough, but it’s also not exactly anything to write home about either.  It falls into that category of music where it works at the time, but is completely forgettable.  I honestly have nothing more to say about this, which is a shame in itself because there are games out there with multiple problems like this one, but at least the soundtrack made them a bit more worthwhile.  Sadly, this wasn't one of them.

All of these aspects fail to deliver a smooth game experience and instead make ZaciSa's have a rather hodgepodge feel.  

Final Analysis:

ZaciSa's Last Stand is a mildly amusing tower defense game that offers a unique, simplistic visual style and interesting game play that I would welcome to the genre.  I hope that the forthcoming patch Zenfa Productions LLC is working on makes necessary adjustments to gameplay and adds some new sprites, but my hopes aren't too high.  In the end I would like to see a sequel to the game but one that does not ask so much of its players so quickly and one that has more interesting enemy sprites while making use of the chalk-board style art.  There is potential here for a genuinely fun and challenging game experience with its own unique flair.  As is though, the game just feels like the budget title that it is.  If you want to try your hand at it, the game is pretty cheap and goes on sale from time to time but you’re likely to forget you even downloaded this game a month after having done so.

Graphics/Visual Style: 7/10
Music: 6/10
Control: 7/10
Gameplay: 4/10

Overall Rating: 6/10

"Earth, Fire, Water, Bad Air..." Write up for CaptainKYSO

Original write up as seen on CaptainKSYO linked here.  (CaptainKSYO is currently under construction as it changes ownership. The original story follows below.)  This classic elemental fantasy image--or rather near classical image--presented the challenge in that I am a bit of a prude when it comes to things that have to do with jokes about passing gas.  However, I think I "rose to the occasion" so to speak and was able to inject some humor into the story which made direct reference to the character passing gas.  I did this all while having character names that referenced their respective elements.

Intro:  Behold forces of darkness!  We control the very forces of nature for we are the Elemental Mages of—sweet merciful heavens!  Have you been eating beans again, Aether?

“How in the name of all nature do you expect us to be taken seriously by the enemies of all that is good Aether?  If you are constantly expelling clouds in that way, villains will laugh at us!”

“But bending, manipulating, yes even BREAKING wind to my will is just what I do brother Soilomous!  You control all aspects of earth and things that come from the ground.  I control the air itself in whatever form that might take.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that my unique control allows us a tactical advantage none would expect!  Our enemies are taken totally off guard when I use my abilities.”

“I believe that Soilomous has a point dear brother.  We wish the forces of darkness to tremble at our might, not shudder in disgust at your antics.  It’s a miracle those ‘emissions’ of yours have yet to cause us all to fall ill during the heat of battle.”

“Antics you call them?  Don’t you lecture me brother Pyrous!  I saw the way you were trying to use your own fire bending abilities to form a fire guitar!   How exactly does that help us to protect humanity?”

“Aether, what Pyrous does in his free time is of no concern here.  So stop being a wet blanket on his down time and stop trying to distract from the fact you are using highly unorthodox methods in our fight against evil!  Can’t you find a more civilized way of announcing your presence that doesn’t cause mortal men and fiend alike to laugh rather than revere and fear us?”

“Easy for you to say Aquas!  A few drops of water, a flick of the wrist, and presto!  You’ve got dancing water that wows the average man and befuddles our enemies.  I make do the best I can with what I’ve got!  Say, that reminds you guys.  Want to see a new fighting technique I have learned?   It allows me to manipulate fire just like our brother Pyrous.  Quick, one of you, lend me a match!”

Keep This Shirt On If:  You feel as if you are able to control nature when you get a static shock.

Forget About It If:  You would like to clear the air of a few things…so to speak.

Color:  There’s a Light Gray cloud moving this way, and I don’t think it’s rain.

Artist Bio:  Though he tries to bill himself as a master of powerful forces, Peter Kramer has only one magical ability.  He can direct garlic and onion fumes in concentrated blasts that completely overwhelm his enemies.

Monster and Me write up for CaptainKYSO

Link to original story on CaptainKYSO.  (CaptainKSYO is currently under construction as it changes ownership. The original story follows below.) Most times when I was presented with an image to write a story for at CaptainKYSO I had to start from scratch with the creative process, however "Monster and Me" was a rare exception to the creative process.  Due to its comic strip panel nature it was already telling a story or sorts, but it was up to me to fill in the holes of the story.  I think this particular design helps to showcase that although I can create a good story on my own, I can also work within a given frame work or outline and stay true to the artist's intent.

Intro:  Once, there were two very special friends...

One day, a little girl was wondering through the forest when she heard a strange sound.

“Baroo Hoo Hoo!  Baroo Hoo Hoo,” went the strange noise.  The little girl looked high and low before finding what was making the odd sounds. 

                There, sitting on a boulder under the shade of several tall trees, was a monster!  It had an enormous tail, wings popping out of its back, and a set of horns sprouting from its head.  The little girl should have been frightened by the strange beast, but she saw tears running down his cheeks, for he had been crying.  Plucking a small flower, she walked over to the monster.

                “Please don’t be sad.  Whatever is wrong, I’ll help you fix it.  Here, have this daisy I got you, it will help cheer you up,” she said handing him flower.

                “Oh thank you so much.  I am just so sad because I am so lonely and so hungry,  I don’t have any friends to play or have food with.”

                The little girl smiled at him and said, “I don’t have any food, but I can be your friend, do you want to go play?”

                “Oh boy,” said the monster, “I think I would like to play, but can we get a sandwich first?”

                But the little girl wasn’t really paying attention anymore and was merrily skipping down a path so that the monster had to jog to keep up.  “Oh look sir,” said the little girl as she stopped skipping along, “There’s little fishes swimming around in that pond.  Let’s sit down and watch them.”   The monster plopped down next to her and there they sat for a while looking at the fish swimming around the little pond.  The monster was happy to have a friend to spend time, but he was still very hungry.

                “Can we get a sandwich now?  It was fun to sit with you, and the fish were very pretty, but I am still hungry,” said the monster.

                “Okay, let’s head back to my home, but let’s stop at the park on the way and we can play there for a bit before dinner,” said the little girl.  The monster’s tummy growled a little, but he shrugged his shoulders and followed her once more.

                And so, they went to the park and played.  The little girl had great fun as the monster pushed her very high on the swing, and helped her to the top of the slide.  When the monster tried going on the swing it snapped, and he got stuck on the slide because he was too big.  They both thought it was funny and had a laugh, but the monster was very hungry by now.

                “Little girl,” said the monster, “Can we get a sandwich now?  I am even hungrier than before.”

                “Oh, yeah, okay.  I forgot because we were having so much fun together.  Here, let’s go to my house and I’ll make you a sandwich and a nice tall glass of—hey look sir!  There are some birds over there!  Let’s go chase them for a bit.  I bet we can catch them if I sit on your back and you flap your wings.”

                The monster sighed and put the little girl on his back so they could chase the birds.  Eventually, the monster stopped flying around and sat down because he was too tired and hungry to keep flying.

                “What’s the matter,” asked the little girl as she tugged on the monster’s arm.  “I thought you wanted a friend to play with.” 

The monster’s tummy growled and the monster nodded as he said to the little girl, “I did want a friend to play with, but I am so hungry.  We can play one more game though.  Why don’t we play a quick game of hide and go seek?”

                Later that night, the monster was in the forest again, bawling his eyes out because he was lonely.  But, he thought to himself, at least he was no longer hungry.

Keep this T shirt on if:  You love to meet new people.

Forget about it if:  Your friends took you to a fancy restaurant only to have you pay the bill.

Color:  She wore Yellow ribbons in her hair the last time I saw her.

Artist Bio:  Annie Meier has several imaginary friends that travel everywhere in the world with her.  However, several airlines enforce a strict two imaginary friend limit due to safety regulations, leaving her with difficult choices when she travels internationally.

Reboot write up for CaptainKYSO

Link to original write up as it appeared on CaptainKYSO. (CaptainKSYO is currently under construction as it changes ownership. The original story follows below.)  If you look closely at the design, you can see that the robot is actually made up of individual living spaces.  This element was not only great detail on the part of the artist, but it also made it easier for my mind to make the connection between this design and the original Steelscape design.  The idea a sentient city would find larger and more deadly ways in which to defend itself seemed a natural fit to me, and this was a great design for continuing that narrative.

Intro:  Today’s robot t shirt gives off sense of how grand a scale a machine as tall as building would look.  Would you take convincing to live in such a home, or would you be recruited to reside there against your will.

Over video screens in the City, an advertisement comes on, and a smooth, gentle female voice begins to talk…

                Greetings citizens!  Have you been feeling it’s time to move up in the world, but you are just not sure how?  Do you feel fiercely loyal to our wonderful way of life and wish you could live, and die, for the City in the comfort of your own home?  Would enjoy an added bit of excitement to your apartment life within the City of Steel?  Then perhaps it is time to fight for that dream and for the City, by getting into your very own fighting robot home!  Reboot your life in the newest addition to the City of Steel, Mechapartments.

                Yes, Mechapartments, the latest development from your fully automated, artificially intelligent City of Steel.  Why deal with the average urban living, when for less than what you pay now, you could be living in a wonderful new Mechapartment.  Like every apartment in the City, it features fully automated living and dining experiences.  Unique to Mechapartments is the exciting possibility that you and your fellow residents may be called into action to fight in battle against those outsiders who threaten our way of life.

Mandatory volunteer duty may be necessary to help defend the city.  If you or any of your fellow citizens should perish and your Mechapartment be destroyed; your deposit will not be returned.  For some citizens, new living arrangements will made should your home suffer structural damage while defending the City.  Such minor skirmishes are unlikely, and you or your next of kin will be compensated should damage or death occur during occupancy of any Mechapartments residences.  Start your Mechapartments application today!  And remember the rules of the City:

Do not tolerate littering; keep the City clean and healthy for all citizens.

Do not tolerate violence against your fellow citizens; keep the City free of crime.

                Do not tolerate those who speak ill of our beloved way of life in the glorious City.

                Do not try to escape the confines of the City, you are safe from the dangers of the outside and are here for your own good.

                Do remember that you love your City, and it loves you back.

                Do report those who speak of leaving the City to your local, automated re-education center.

                Thank you, and remember, a loving person is a loyal citizen who will help defend the City, even unto death.

Keep This Shirt On If:  You think urban living can be daily battle at times.

Like artistic cityscape t shirts that leave you in wonderment, awe, and perhaps a  bit of fear?  See more artistic city t shirts and read more of the story of the City of Steel with SilentOp’s sci fi city t shirt and his modern urban themed t shirt. Or with Pinkstorm’s beautiful skyline t shirt.

Forget About It If:  You don’t like the idea of fighting your way through traffic to get home, especially if you had to fight through it with a giant sword and arm cannon.

Prefer your robots a little smaller and a little less inclined towards destruction and more inclined towards the better things of life?  SilentOp has an artistic robot music t shirt design that shows a rather Gifted little droid.

Color:  Red was the dawn on the day of the apartment rental.

Artist Bio:  Jay Maninang, through years of careful research and study in both advanced robotics and architecture; has come up with perfect gigantic fighting robot.  The one drawback to this is that officials at his local zoning commission will have him filling out paper work for years before he can even get started.

Steelscape write up for CaptainKYSO

Here is the link to the original appearance of the story. (Edit Note:  It appears that CaptainKYSO is under construction as it changes hands.  The original story is posted below, however I will leave the link in for the future when the site is up again.) The first in series of hard lines and perspective tee shirts by the artist known as SilentOP.  Given the futuristic look of this shirt, I wrote a short story with a Twilight Zone feel done in the style of a letter written to a loved one about the dangers posed by the sentient city.  I left it a little open-ended because I knew similar style designs from this artist were going to come along.  Part of selling this shirt in a compelling manner meant I wanted the emotional link the customer formed by reading this story to pique their interest in not only reading the story when another shirt by this artist came along, but make them feel a connection that would make them feel like they needed to buy every shirt in the series.

Steelscape write up

Intro:  The city is not what it seems my love, this landscape of cold steel towers and glass walls.  It is always growing, and that is the problem…

                When we first created the City of Steel, it seemed only natural that all functions of its automation be run on an algorithm would do what was needed for the city to grow and thrive.  Automated construction and robotic maintenance seemed like a great thing at the time.  For people to live here in what we thought would be a peaceful world.  People moved in to the great gleaming edifices that the machine had created.  “Imagine it,” we told the people.  “A place kept so clean, so beautiful; ever changing to help you grow and thrive.” But it was not the people alone that grew and thrived. 

                For many years I’ve tried to deny what I knew to be true.  I thought perhaps it was mere fantasy, an elaborate analogy for this place.  I don’t know if you can see it Evelyn, but the city is dangerous.  It too grows and thrives just as heartily as any living thing within it.  I don’t know when it grew into sentience, but it has.  I know I sound crazy, but we aren’t safe.  No one who stays within its walls is safe, and no one who tries to leave it can be assured.

This wonderment that we created has eaten into the world, and it is literally continuing to devour it.  As it grew and fed on the landscape, we have sat idly by thinking that it was simply following programming, that it was doing its best for those who live inside.  I know that I should marvel at the ever pristine streets and how content everyone is from man to child.  Indeed I am daily filled with awe as I gaze out on our great city.  But the city seems to creep along like an ever endless ocean eating away at a dwindling shore.  Lately I have heard something that I have to see if it’s true.  People joke that there is no escape from the city, that the streets do not merely seem without end, but that the city itself will grow around you like a suddenly sprouting weed even as you leave its borders.  Evelyn, I think this landscape that once was the hope and dream of every person left in our war torn world, has now become an inescapable nightmare from which there is no waking. 

                At times I do love it, and the city seems to love me back.  I’m having trouble remembering when we were without the city.  Do you think it has made us forget?  Do the lights and streets have some inner hypnotic power?  Has it always been this way?  Yes, we have the forest preserves under the great domes, but are they enough?  Please don’t be afraid of what I am saying here.  I know it seems so frightening.  I myself fear to write it, but I don’t know how else to say it.  We think that it is so great, but how often do you think of leaving the city? 

                I think about leaving it, but not as much as I used to.  And I don’t know why.   I have to try to leave while I still can.  To try and fight against its allurement.  If I am right, and the city is growing in the ways that I fear, I am not sure what the city will do to me when it finds out that I am leaving.  If I don’t return, you have to fight the city.  But I don’t know if even that is possible anymore.

Keep This Shirt On If:  You think the march of progress is inevitable.

Forget About It If:  You like to hold back the tide of the future.

Color:  Towering Black buildings of the future.

Artist Bio:  Jay Maniang likes to think of himself as ever shaping the essence of reality itself, bending and shaping all buildings and structures to his will.  Mostly what he does though is sit in coffee shops wondering how cool it would be to build a tower out of empty cups. 

Zombie themed write up for CaptainKYSO

Original write up can be found by following this link.  (CaptainKSYO is currently under construction as it changes ownership. The original story follows below.)  This particular image posed the challenge of coming up with a zombie story that not only had a darker tone than the normally comic write ups that I would do for CaptainKYSO, but I also had to write a story that was engaging and compelling about subject matter, that of zombies, which I really do not care for.

Intro:  Today’s zombie t shirt has a character that has impromptu evening exercise session.  The undead in this story can help you to realize that you need to live life to the fullest, especially if it could end at any second.

                At first, when the outbreak started, he felt alive and invigorated.  For him, such moments prior to this were fleeting at best.  Yes, the world was ravaged by zombies, but he always tried to put a positive spin on things, and this time was no exception.  He had always planned on getting out and doing more to get his body in shape, now thanks to the hoards of the undead that were everywhere, he finally was.  Yet this notion quickly crumbled in his mind.  They daily grind of mere survival wore him down.

                Sometimes all he needed to do to survive a day in the urban wasteland was to sprint from a nearby grocery store and back to the gym he had fortified over the months since the beginning of the outbreak.  Compared to the other trials he had faced, he considered this a “light jog.”  The creatures were less active in the day time, as if even in endless death they still had trouble getting up in the morning.  It had been simple for him to develop that routine, and considerably less disastrous then when he lost his house after a group of zombies had managed to trail him home.  There was so much running and hiding that night.  He was sure his heart would give out before the monsters could even find him.

                He was done though; this evening would be his last run.  He could not recall the last time he had seen another living soul.  No rescue was coming and for all his attempts to convince himself that he should keep holding out hope that the nightmare would end and that someone would find him; the hellish existence continued.

                So it was that he found himself lacing up a set of simple, brand new sneakers he had always meant to wear when he got around to exercising.  There at his old high school race track, where as a teenager he had always seemed to fail; he was finally in shape enough to run well.  They were coming now, a slow shuffling at first, but that wouldn’t last long once they caught sight of him.  He stood and stretched, poised and ready.  The tape he had strung between two posts flapped slightly in the cool night breeze.  There was a grunt of alarm.  They had spotted him.  So he ran one last race, one last time did he find the motivation to keep going.  But as he felt the tape break against his chest, he also felt the grasping of a clammy, rotting hand on his back.  His run was finally over.

Keep This T Shirt On If:  You believe you never feel quite as alive as the moment before you die.

Like a t shirt with a good, healthy zombie chase?  Mark Florencio has a zombie sunset t shirt that can really help you to stay in peak physical condition as you run for your life.

Forget About This T Shirt If:  The end of the world is entirely un-motivating to you.

Like t shirts that don’t pressure you when the end is at hand?  Palitosci has a funny white doomsday t shirt design that will help you kick back, relax, and answer any lingering questions you might have about the apocalypse.

Color:  He crossed the long Black finish line.

Artist Bio:  Quiet you fool!  Don’t you hear that slow shuffling, those sickening groans, and the unearthly cry for brains?  It’s the terror of the night, the Alan Bao is just outside the door, and he looks hungry!